She's outta my league

I am a first generation college graduate.  If you are under the impression this is an exercise in vanity, I assure you, I'd be the first to say it is a stupid idea.

This isn't the most gratifying and noteworthy marker of my existence.  To most it's a big deal, for me actually, it's a dream come true.  But it isn't the most important achievement to me.  Here's why.  I am also a first generation Protestant Christian.  The Catholic faith runs deep in my bloodline, but in a lot of ways I've become the latest and newest pilgrim, to my family and my people.  I view the world differently.  My ethics and morality are inspired in a dual kind of partnership in which my culture and my faith can compromise and inform equally.  Mostly being a first generation so and so is anything but an exercise in vanity and accomplishment.  It exposes longings you get sick and tired of, because you felt deprived your whole life.  It's more about navigating awkwardness, exploring new "traditions", and mostly about accepting heartbreak and lonliness.

So what about love?

I came to faith, wanting so desperately for the Nazerene Jesus to be my best friend.  I wanted a healer.  And man did he deliver.  Eventually and ultimately I realized Him to be my Lord, Savior, Comforter, Wise Counselor, High Priest, Redeemer, and King.  I came to Him with nothing, expecting deliverance and nothing more.  But even I learned, a lifetime is for awhile, and I began to notice there other areas of life that Jesus influenced.  Things like my passions, my finances, my career aspirations, mental and physical health.  Wealth, prosperity, blessing, even growth and suffering.

I never asked Jesus for any of that.

So why would I ask Him for a love?  A bride?  An image bearer and a gift more precious than any of those other ones? A companion?  A best friend in the faith and partner in life?  Someone who inspires me and makes me want to be a better person?  Someone who challenges me past comfort and sees my flaws, even the tragic ones?  Who knows the filth I've been in, created, the perversity and depravity I've reached for?  Really, Jesus?

The very idea scares the hell out of me.  In time I guess I've had conversations with Heaven and Earth to slightly pay a kind of lip service to the whole idea.  I'm a man, broken and destitute. Amazingly saved by grace and a love I'm sure I'll never understand until eternity claims me to her throne, and the Son of Man calls me home.

I've heard it a form of higher evolution to be able to devout one's life and affections to another person in the name of love. Maybe I'm not ready.  But I do love my singleness.  It's a gift, a freedom, a privilege, and an honor.  Here are some areas I find to be meaningful and useful in my life during this season.

A season to Serve

I can do that. I volunteer, work jobs and gigs with crappy hours for ridiculous pay because I can.  I can sacrifice the time and energy to do things for others- motivated by an outward desire to make life easier and days better.  I don't ask for anything in return.  Mostly folks feed me, and that's fine.  But I can help move, I can set up and tear down for Worship Services, I can switch shifts with hours' notice, I can volunteer to coordinate an outreach.  And its never felt thankless or unappreciated.

A season to learn

The decision to join my family of faith was life changing.  It challenged me.  It scared me.  I was uncertain.  But in the few yeas I've been a member of my Church, I've soaked it all up like a ninja.  I see healthy.  That's because I see the vulnerable and the weak.  I've seen remarkable women become widowed, families struggle.  I've witnessed my first wedding, I admit I was a little too excited, but it definitely didn't disappoint.  Profoundly I can testify to the men I've come to respect, loving their wives children.  Serving, stumbling, leading, and praying over them.  And all the while this has happened within a community that loves, and keeps everyone's dignity intact.

Practical reasons too . . . 

All of my 'big successes' and absolutely the worst parts of my humanity have affected my salvation.  Going into debt, deciding to be involved in organizations, burning my family in emergencies and during holiday seasons.  In life and in death, I've been a single man the whole time.  They groan that if I'm at least going to behave like this, she better be worth it.  They're still waiting.  I came to love where I am now because yes I was under the impression  I would be given the opportunity to start a family and all that.

Race?

On a subconscious level, something could be said about it.  Cross cultural marriage, bi racial romance, etc etc.  I wouldn't be doing it for the reasons people thought though.  My education has taught me, but even more than that it's granted me access.  I look at my heritage not as a thing to struggle trying to preserve or keep "pure".  After all the whole idea of the 'redman' was an exotic notion and a nod toward a group of peoples cycling down resources and cross canceling each other out, other than the obvious reasons.  So now I see my future, my family tree as growing in comfort and confidence in faith and not in the perks their heritage can bestow unto them.

Friendship

Culture is powerful.  Objectification, erotic and dehumanizing desires.  Lust and cravings.  How does a young man do battle against such powerful forces?  Saying it's uncomfortable to interact with married women is perfectly fine.  It is. But it also teaches me to convey respect, ask all those little questions, to be present, to be encouraged, and to honor them.  I enjoy talking to mothers who talk about their children anywhere from ages 0 to age 60.  Or about what the latest and great trendy thing is on Pinterest.  Mostly it means I have a fulfilling and enriching relationship with their husbands as well.  I don't poach older men for their wisdom of how to score or charm the ladies.  I just want to experience life on the same wavelength.  The most rewarding part is there isn't expectations or misleading exchanges.  Women of every walk of life at every stage have taught me a great deal about God's faithfulness and His love for His people.

Which finally leads to

I used to think 'chemistry" and attraction were a big deal in courting.  I mean in the overhyped sense of the context.  It's not about 'hooking up' or getting practice.  That's so shallow and life taking.  I don't look at women as an ego boost, a status enhancement, a trophy to be won.  Trust me, I'd have a hard time accomplishing any of those things on a good day, much less any day.  I enjoy my singleness, and hopefully that doesn't upset anyone.   I'm not stuck up.  Not picky.

When I became a follower of Jesus, I wanted a friend.  Most of the people thought that was a licence to breed a Warrior.  A trained killer.  An assassin.  A five tool player.  An all star, a stud, an example, a show horse.  Sadly they got all of that.  But the most powerful command Jesus gives "love one another" is the simplest.  And that's what I am striving to become.

I'll tell you one thing.  I want a love, greater than any of my forefathers, and my ancestors.  Not for the big moments or someone to push me to do and be extraordniary.  I've had my share of pumping up the ego and huge expectations.  I just want somebody to celebrate the conscious effort to walk through life on a daily basis in a rather unimpressive manner in which I can fuss or ask "did I love well today?  Was I an encouragement?  Is that person's life and day better by having me in it for that brief moment?"  

I'm single.  Perhaps for all the wrong reasons.  But ultimately I want to be an old man who says "yeah, she's outta my league. . .  But God gave her to me anyway."