Grateful, in the first

I still remember the day I learned to ride a bike all on my own.  It was at daycare.  At Mrs. Betty Jackson, all the way on Signal Peak Rd.  Awkwardly and courageously, if not for the fear of embarrassment, I blitzed down one side of the chalked track way.  It wouldn't be fully appropriate if I weren't wobbling and swerving.  But as the speed picked up, so did the ability to trust in the steering and maneuvering.  This day is still one of the most gratifying I can recall, and with quite some ease.

What can be said of anything else I've manged to accomplish?  That yet remains to be seen, but I can be grateful for some of the harder and more peel-the-band-aid-off kind of moments I've come into.  I'm fighting for more than just my share of the pie.  Everyone who has any interest in my life, pays diligent attention to my ability to mobilize and not be paralyzed or set back.  So here are some things I've learned.  Because although I'm not ashamed of my bloodline, I've never really had any great role models for much of anything.

You feel everything like an exposed nerve

This isn't a bad thing.  I've taken every failure deeply personally.  I've handled every success with a grain of under appreciation.  It's the in-between moments that have grown me the most.  How well do I struggle with myself?  How gracious am I with myself?  Do I encourage myself- preaching the gospel of failing because hope and redemption is something you've never been afforded?  It's meditation in the sucking of air.  It's being present in every moment of pain.  I do that, I get consumed by it.  I grieve.  I lament.  I berate, and pump my fist at heaven.  Then, I get over it.  Because it's good practice for when the moments of joy and bliss come.  Those small victories.  I can bask in those without feeling guilty or selfish.  I can be ravaged by it, get lost in it just to meander and enjoy it a bit longer.  I can pray, say names and love the faces that are attached to them fiercely because I know I mean it.  I can set boundaries and not feel bad about not wanting to have unhealthy and exhausting relationships.  I can love recklessly and calculated.

My habits are your habits
I noticed the people I've influenced in a way I wasn't expecting.  I notice when they talk, when they pray, when they navigate any turmoil or success, that somehow, their words, tone, posture, speaking rhythm, body language, and actions eerily remind me of me.  And that scares me.  People really do pay attention, especially to some guy like me who is in a position to help influence and grow in tremendous fashion.  Or equally hurt and damage in a way that can be devastating.  So I take it seriously as a matter of life and death.

Winning doesn't matter, but commitment to failing and continually trying does

I've never been a fan of writing down lists of positives and negatives.  But it seems to be something I'm learning to do.  I've learned that people best respond to my witness, , my faith, my journey, by feeling like they can be apart of it.  The best communicators can do this.  If all I did was articulate my successes and struggles as a means to my own end, then its like closing the door after I've put out the invitation to have others walk through it.  I'm not the hero of my own story.  I'm merely a stage hand in it.  There has to be value to it.  So I always caveat to the process and the journey.  To the discipline of it and not the way I would have chosen it myself.  I can't hope in myself.  I serve and love a God bigger and more powerful than anything I could ever say, so that has to the end game.  I always say this isn't the end of my story, and that it keeps getting better.  All I can do is hope, smile, and be joyful in spite of my past, my failures, and my circumstances, because I believe I can still be a blessing in the midst of everything good and bad.  

         

Work,lately.

It would be unbecoming to sit here and tell you, that like most people, I live to work.  And that working is for the dream, the comfort, and the status.

You could call bullshit on me, because I'd be lying.

I've worked odd jobs.  Low paying jobs.  Decent paying ones.  Jobs that have caused me to question my humanity, even my dignity and integrity as a human being.  If I ever figure out why I've done those things, I'll let you know.

Work isn't an escape.  It isn't a getaway.  I have to pay bills ultimately, and create some financial peace and stability.  These are the practical reasons.  But why do I really work?  Is there a soul nourishing, life giving reason as to why I show up and do the things I'm asked to do?

I don't have the perfect job. I didn't hit the fast track to success.  In fact, a lot of my world seems incompatible at the moment.  My family is struggling to stay together.  I still suffer from some pretty serious trauma- mentally and emotionally.  I can be as self-centered as they come.  If anything, working has exposed my incompetency, and insecurities.  Why would anyone want to listen to me and take any advice I have?

The only real feasible explanation I have is, my faith keeps me working.  The God in my faith, makes a shocking and not so easy proposition- Lose myself and inherit glory.  This means entering into suffering, sorrow, loneliness, but an ultimate relationship of love and fellowship  Either that or gain my life and forfeit that same glory.  This means being strapped to idols that suffocate- self centeredness, self-actualization, self- promotion, power grabbing, and the life.

Being meek, lowly, and broken are championed virtues in my faith.  That somehow means I got to make it translate into working as well.

I love not feeling like I have to prove something to somebody when I go into the workplace.  Being meek means I can work hard, while not being taken for granted.  Being lowly means there's a vulnerability in how others can treat me- good and bad, which helps facilitate honest and nurturing relationships.  Being broken means I can be present (which is a life skill I plead everyone to develop) and draw out the beauty of the person and the environment.  If you can laugh at yourself, your mistakes, and your inadequacy, that's a valuable work place skill as well.

So, I guess, this is work.  Lately.

My list of successes today

Made it work at the ungodly hour I was supposed to.

was extremely happy I woke up in time to depart my office at 2am.

put deodorant on, probably rolled some on my face.

utilized the face cleansing pad

pants on front side, check

started my route earlier than I did the day before

finished my route earlier and quicker than I did the day before

met a customer's needs by personally delivering to them

got the thumbs up from colleagues about being dependable and competent

prayed for people in my life.

prayed that their relationship with God was the most important one

prayed and smiled that even if it meant not having a relationship with me, it'd still go well.

got distracted and had to backtrack

talked in a weird accent- when you're out by yourself for hours on end you need entertainment

lingered in thought about a person who represents beauty and got a tingle of inspiration

read the bible, thank goodness for Bible Gateway

did that one chore once you got home as a service to the house, knowing how tired I was