Grateful, in the first

I still remember the day I learned to ride a bike all on my own.  It was at daycare.  At Mrs. Betty Jackson, all the way on Signal Peak Rd.  Awkwardly and courageously, if not for the fear of embarrassment, I blitzed down one side of the chalked track way.  It wouldn't be fully appropriate if I weren't wobbling and swerving.  But as the speed picked up, so did the ability to trust in the steering and maneuvering.  This day is still one of the most gratifying I can recall, and with quite some ease.

What can be said of anything else I've manged to accomplish?  That yet remains to be seen, but I can be grateful for some of the harder and more peel-the-band-aid-off kind of moments I've come into.  I'm fighting for more than just my share of the pie.  Everyone who has any interest in my life, pays diligent attention to my ability to mobilize and not be paralyzed or set back.  So here are some things I've learned.  Because although I'm not ashamed of my bloodline, I've never really had any great role models for much of anything.

You feel everything like an exposed nerve

This isn't a bad thing.  I've taken every failure deeply personally.  I've handled every success with a grain of under appreciation.  It's the in-between moments that have grown me the most.  How well do I struggle with myself?  How gracious am I with myself?  Do I encourage myself- preaching the gospel of failing because hope and redemption is something you've never been afforded?  It's meditation in the sucking of air.  It's being present in every moment of pain.  I do that, I get consumed by it.  I grieve.  I lament.  I berate, and pump my fist at heaven.  Then, I get over it.  Because it's good practice for when the moments of joy and bliss come.  Those small victories.  I can bask in those without feeling guilty or selfish.  I can be ravaged by it, get lost in it just to meander and enjoy it a bit longer.  I can pray, say names and love the faces that are attached to them fiercely because I know I mean it.  I can set boundaries and not feel bad about not wanting to have unhealthy and exhausting relationships.  I can love recklessly and calculated.

My habits are your habits
I noticed the people I've influenced in a way I wasn't expecting.  I notice when they talk, when they pray, when they navigate any turmoil or success, that somehow, their words, tone, posture, speaking rhythm, body language, and actions eerily remind me of me.  And that scares me.  People really do pay attention, especially to some guy like me who is in a position to help influence and grow in tremendous fashion.  Or equally hurt and damage in a way that can be devastating.  So I take it seriously as a matter of life and death.

Winning doesn't matter, but commitment to failing and continually trying does

I've never been a fan of writing down lists of positives and negatives.  But it seems to be something I'm learning to do.  I've learned that people best respond to my witness, , my faith, my journey, by feeling like they can be apart of it.  The best communicators can do this.  If all I did was articulate my successes and struggles as a means to my own end, then its like closing the door after I've put out the invitation to have others walk through it.  I'm not the hero of my own story.  I'm merely a stage hand in it.  There has to be value to it.  So I always caveat to the process and the journey.  To the discipline of it and not the way I would have chosen it myself.  I can't hope in myself.  I serve and love a God bigger and more powerful than anything I could ever say, so that has to the end game.  I always say this isn't the end of my story, and that it keeps getting better.  All I can do is hope, smile, and be joyful in spite of my past, my failures, and my circumstances, because I believe I can still be a blessing in the midst of everything good and bad.