I wanna go home

It's a dangerous thing to say aloud.

It's truth though, and at this point, it is well thought out.  I am not having an identity crisis.  I don't feel like I've lost any sense of my cultural and tribal knowledge.   A whole bunch of people invested years teaching me- through repetition and encouragement.  That never went anywhere.  In fact I find myself humming those Longhouse and Shaker songs as I wonder aimlessly through some Southwestern Montana City's streets.  I don't feel out of touch.  I just want to go home, to my family, to my people, to my snail paced circular view of the world.

I mean I'd like to go home, not permanently, but just to go.  I have no desire to immerse myself in anything, and I'm sure my elders have no desire trying to up my "nativeness"  They're confident they've done that and then some.  And I'm grateful.  I am not trying to prove anything, I don't have anything left. My uncle upon seeing my diploma from college said "well. ...  shit" in awe.  That's the only approval I'd ever need, considering I feel like he's the greatest storyteller I've heard of not named Twain.  It's definitely not out of vanity.  Reservation life doesn't halt in a grand parade just because one comes home, I learned that in my early years.  I'm not surprised that no one really notices I come home anymore.

No, I want to go home, not because there's a premium on knowledge I have yet to master.  I just want to love.  I want to love my family.  I can honestly say I am ready to simply enjoy them, all of their dysfunction, successes, setbacks, and failures.  One time I showed up at my great aunts not having too much of an expectation, just to chop fire wood.  That goes a long way.  And it felt good.   I want to go home.  Elders are getting older.  New babies are born.  There are nieces and nephews I've never met.  Love is what will get me back there.

When I left home, I never wanted to acknowledge my family as being apart of my success.  But now I want to thank them and commend them for their courage in what must have been a scary time, collectively struggling to raise a traumatized and broken young man.  Look at what it's done.  Yeah I'd like to be among my own for a bit, to give them relief, encouragement, to pray for them, to grieve and mourn with them, to laugh and wander.  They're important, more now than ever.